Let the 10 minute free-writing exercise commence:
There is a man. A man who cares for me more than I will ever understand. How do I know this? The way he talks to me. They way he looks at me. The way he wants to hold me. The way he wants to save me from my self destruction. The way he asks for nothing in return. The way he sees the light at the end of this dark tunnel, called College. The way he appreciates my stubbornness. The way he understands my feelings of occasional pessimism. The way he doesn't make me feel ashamed of it. His claims of his imperfection remains unheard. For what I see is a man who knows how to love perfectly. Unconditionally. Yet thoughtfully contained. A man that has a laugh that can change the mood in an instant. A man that is not afraid of change. A man that doesn't mind stepping outside of himself. A man who sets goals to achieve, and follows through. A man. A real man. His presence allows me to become more aware of myself. As a woman. When I look at the past 4 years in Vancouver and the person I have become, I wonder. I am no longer the girl he once knew. Or the girl that I once knew. It seems as though all I needed was a little freedom from relationships to let myself go. Explore. Party. Play…Was it? Was this really what I needed? Has it made me a better person? Maybe not. Maybe so? But I did learn a few things. A lot of things. I've learned my threshold. I've learned that I am not invincible. Not invincible to injury. Not invincible to heart break. Not invincible to failure. I've learned that I still have a desire for spiritual wholeness. A desire to know what 'spiritual wholeness' means. I've learned that men do not always have my best interest at heart. I've learned that men can be too quick to care. Too quick to love. I've learned that I am capable of loving passionately. I've learned that passion not only comes in the form of sex. Rather that sex is one of the least passionate elements to explore. I've learned that I "have something about me" that allows people to trust me. Laugh with me. Love me. I've learned to be delicate with the heart. I've learned that I am tenacious. I've learned that I am determined, although contrarily apathetic. I've learned that being a student is not my forte. Not even close. I've learned that I love to work. I've learned that I am more comfortable befriending men. No drama. No gossip. No judgment. Just sports and fun with the occasional touch of 'deepness'. I've learned that the poem 'Season, Reason and Lifetime" has great value in my understanding of people. I've learned that I need to re-create my 'bucket list'. I've learned that I have had such a full life at such a young age but no longer want to be a nomadic soul that never settles. Yet I've learned that I may never be content to live in one city the rest of my life. I've learned that my family is irreplaceable. Most valuable. Most loving. My family is everything to me. So much that the city that provides my preferred lifestyle, friends, and mentality only comes second in comparison. As I know too well, at the end of the day my family is all that matters...Maybe it is these reasons that this man sees me for who I am. Transparent me. Honest me. This is me now. A time of self reflection. A time of realization. I have seen the optimistic idealist. I have seen the pessimistic realist. I wonder. Will I find my balance? Yes. I must. My journey into wholeness began at at young age. God willing I have many more years to achieve this. Baby steps. I'm human. Beautifully human.
Whew! Guess there was some stuff on my mind :o)
B
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